Don’t Be Such A Cry Baby!


Teething baby: first sign of the lower right i...
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Babies cry. It is an ear piercing, spine chilling, make your blood run cold, noise that sounds like a demon howling from the void. That’s just what they do. They can’t help how they feel. However, you can! I’m gonna give you a list of the most obvious reasons below, and hopefully a solution on how you can shut the kid up. You know, before you go postal and start shaking all the babies!

  • Hunger – Feed your freaking baby. They eat a shit ton. That is a tenth of a metric fuck ton (Every 2 – 3 hours when newborn). If they aren’t getting full, add cereal to their milk/formula. My mom did it. No allergies if that’s what you were worried about.  People have suggested adding only half a tablespoon to keep it low.
  • A dirty diaper – Having to sit in your own shit is definitely reason to cry. You will be changing diapers every 2 -3 hours when newborn. Get used to it. For some reason I can’t smell fresh papaya any more without my stomach retching.
  • Needs sleep – Babies sleep a lot. Well, hopefully yours does, and if it doesn’t then try what has worked for other people. Most, if not all, kids will fall asleep quickly when riding around in a car. There is another way. Put them in their car seat and (with constant supervision) set the car seat on top of your dryer or washer. Turn it on. It works.
  • Wants to be held – Do what it says. That child will grow up to resent you if you don’t. Seriously this shouldn’t be an issue.
  • Gas, colic, and more! – This is just a fucking nightmare all in itself. It seems like
    everything your kid eats somehow gets turned into pure pain. This truly sucks. After battling this for a day or two you will want to pull your face off. There are drops that help, but they seem to never be around when your child is being racked with what appears to be excruciating bowel pain.  Word to the wise: keep a few bottles on hand.
  • Needs to burp – Shit. I feel you! When I’m drinking and I can’t burp it DOES NOT make for a happy dad. Firm pats across the back usually do the trick for both dad and baby.
  • Too cold or too hot – If it’s not your SO, it’s your kid. Learn how to layer. Same goes for the kid – make them comfortable. 1 extra layer of clothing more than what you would need is sufficient warmth for your baby.
  • Something small – Anything thing can screw with your baby. It’s a crazy world out there and they are just trying to take it all in. Don’t be a dick about it. Again, try to make them more comfortable. Imagine tripping on the best acid imaginable with all five of your senses literally overloaded. Yeah, that’s your baby. Well not really, but it’s how I imagine it. Just be cool.
  • Teething– Jesus Christ!!! Little pieces of bone growing through the soft tissue in your mouth. No, wait. Let me fix that: Rather large, razor-sharp pieces of bone-like substance cutting through the soft sensitive tissue in your mouth. Not for the weak. Cold things to chew on, those (delicious) teething biscuits/cookies and Orajel will be your only hope. Be careful with the Orajel, some babies have had severe reactions to it.
    Looks like hes going to have a bad trip...
  • Wants less stimulation – Back to the acid analogy. The kid is obviously trying to take it all in and process everything. It’s just that this is their “first trip” so to speak, and you guys need to realize that. Put the clown mask away and give the kid a break.
  • Wants more stimulation – Play with your kids. They just might literally be bored to tears! Give them something to do or do something with them. Just make sure you don’t shake them!
  • Not feeling well – Who hasn’t felt like shit? Crying is the only way a baby can say “I feel like dog shit today”.  This is what you have to deal with. Don’t fuck around; go see a doctor, or at least talk to the first person that will answer at two in the morning.
So, PLENTY of alternatives to shaking babies, wouldn’t you agree? I mean, who wants to shake a happy baby, right?

Be good,

The ClarkNova

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